If You’re Feeling Sinister…

More on Dan Brown’s “writing”:

Lukas Mathis’ hilarious rant on the ridiculously poor opening sentences of Dan Brown’s new novel, The Lost Symbol:

Language Log » The Dan Brown contest:

We pick 20 of the clumsiest phrases from it and from his earlier works.

One of the most idiotic aspects of Dan Brown’s writing—in my opinion, of course—is his constant overuse of ellipses. How about this “brilliant” piece of “literature” (these are douchebag irony quotes, by the way) from his latest pile of vaguely coherent sentences:

It houses more pieces than the Hermitage, the Vatican Museum, and the New York Metropolitan… combined.

I guess the ellipsis here is supposed to imply a small pause meant to increase suspense, because the moronic people who read his idiotic books (of which I am obviously one) can’t guess that the last word in the sentence is going to be “combined.” Perhaps they think the last word is going to be “subtracted” or “multiplied with each other”, or maybe “pants.” They’re like “oh the suspense, I have no idea how this sentence will end, and now I have to wait because there are three random dots in the middle of the sentence, I can’t bear the suspense, this book is so great my head is going to asplode!”

And by the way, that’s the payoff? The word “combined” and a damn period? Can’t even spare a fucking exclamation mark, you stingy old bastard?

Also, how about the first fucking sentence of the book:

Since the beginning of time, the secret had always been how to die.

No, it hadn’t, you jerkface schmuck! People are capable of dying just fine! There’s no secret! Everyone knows how to do it! What the fuck is that sentence even supposed to mean! You’re giving me a fucking aneurysm with your stupid-ass book! Fuck!

Okay, back to reading, I need to know what happens to Langdon next.

The book sound so terrible I’m actually curious enough to read it myself, just to see what all the fuss is about. Which could be some sort of evil-genius marketing ploy. Maybe Dan Brown isn’t so stupid after all.